Mjuu~

Jag har sällan något med positiv stämning att skriva, jag vet det. Men någonstans måste jag få ut allt.

De flesta drömmer nog om den där perfekta skolbalen innan studenten. Yep, jag är inget undantag. Men som det ser ut just nu kommer det nog inte bli något för min del. Är det något jag inte vill är det att gå ensam på den. Jag blir riktigt ledsen när jag tänker på mej själv i den där jättefina klänningen jag har tittat ut, men vid min sida finns ingen. Jag ser mig själv sitta ensam och se på alla glada ansikten... Jag vill verkligen inte det.. Det skulle vara en mardröm för mej.

Jag trodde heller aldrig att jag skulle ha mod nog att fråga någon om att bli min baldate. Jag gjorde det och hoppades verkligen.. Men efter att ha väntat på ett klart svar i över två veckor fick jag till sist ett "tror inte det blir något med det." till svar. Jag blev skitledsen, eftersom det här var en person jag verkligen ville gå med. Jag tänkte hela tiden att nej men det här blir ju inga problem. Det är klart han kommer vilja gå med mej. Säkert den första optimistiska tanken jag någonsin haft i alla fall. Jag fattar inte hur jag kunde vara så övertygad om att jag skulle få min vilja igenom. När jag nu inte fick det känns det hårdare än något slag jag någonsin fått...

Jag hade verkligen sett fram emot att få gå med honom vid min sida, precis som det var under den där aristokratiska picknicken i början av september... Det var typ helt perfekt då och om jag fick ha en balklänning på mej och en fin uppsättning i håret så skulle det vara ännu perfektare. Bortsett från mitt ansikte hade vi blivit balens vackraste par, utan tvekan.. Men nu får jag låta något annat par få den titeln, för min dröm krossades här och nu.

2 Oktober.

För dom flesta betyder nog den andra oktober ingenting. Men för mej är det en väldigt speciell dag. Jag fyller inte år, och jag har ingenting att direkt fira om man säger så.
Den andra oktober är en dag då jag känner mej både lyckligare än vanligt men samtidigt mycket olyckligare också. Det är en konstig känsla och jag skulle nog vilja påstå att den är lite oidentifierbar.
Den andra oktober 2010 var en av dom absolut lyckligaste dagarna i mitt liv. Det är få gånger jag har känt mej så lycklig att jag inte kunde sluta le och det är få tillfällen jag har känt att jag bara ville gråta av lycka, men det ville jag den här dagen.
Jag har många gånger i efterhand ångrat att jag inte tog vara på dagen mer. Det var trots allt bara några timmar allt pågick. Men de var några av dom bästa timmarna i mitt liv. Och dom timmarna är jag verkligen tacksam för.
Den andra oktober 2010 var dagen då jag för första gången fick hålla om henne och kalla henne min flickvän. Det var första gången jag fick kyssa hennes vackra läppar och det var första gången jag kände att det där var äkta kärlek. Jag har alltid trott att kärlek bara är människans inbillning. Något vi intalar oss finns bara för att något ska verka finare än det är. Men hon fick mej att känna det som jag bara trodde var ren lögn.
Trots att det inte varade länge kommer jag aldrig glömma den hon var då. Jag kommer aldrig glömma hur jag knappt kunde slita blicken från henne och jag kommer aldrig heller glömma att hon var det enda som fyllde mina tankar under lång tid sen den dagen.
Jag tänker fortfarande på henne och jag saknar det verkligen. Men jag vill inte ha henne tillbaka. Jag älskade henne då, men nu är det bara minnet kvar och det är där i min kärlek lever kvar. När jag tänker tillbaka på minnena från den dagen kan jag fortfarande börja gråta, och att jag gråter just nu är absolut inget jag skäms över. Att älska ett minne är inget konstigt eftersom det får mej att le när jag känner mej nere.
Ett minne jag värdesätter mer än de flesta andra. Jag kan faktiskt inte komma på något minne som gör mej lyckligare än just det här.
Därför är den andra oktober viktig för mej. Blandningen av lycka och sorg är underbar..

...~

Precis som alla inlägg här börjar jag med att jag fortfarande inte riktigt kommit underfund med varför jag, lilla obetydliga jag, skaffade en blogg och väntade sig att någon skulle intresseras av den. En bland alla. Det är inget speciellt med det. Men just nu kändes det som att jag verkligen ville skriva av mej. Och då förvandlades plötsligt en meningslös blogg till något att ta ut känslor på.. Nästan som en såndär vän man kan berätta allt för, fast ändå inte.

I alla fall så har jag börjat trean nu. Till sist.. Efter vad som kännts som en evighet som bara flugit förbi. Jag skolkar mer än någonsin och det känns som att ju längre livet går, deso mer börjar jag missköta mej. Det ger mej faktiskt skuldkänslor, men ändå gör jag ingenting åt det. Ändå fortsätter jag och blir bara värre och värre. Pressen som jag tidigare inte visste fanns där blev någonstans för stor. Handlingsförlamad. Jag tror det är ett passande ord..
Men förra veckan hände något intressant. På onsdagen.. Jag hade just haft terminens första baslektion. Nästan enda tillfället på hela veckan jag känner mej riktigt lycklig. Då och på japanskalektionerna. Det ösregnade ute och jag hade valet att antingen gå till pax, ta en varm kopp te med mängder av socker och träffa lina eller gömma mej i linnegallerian tills bussen gick. Jag valde att gömma mej för regnet i gallerian. Tanken på de vita sittplatserna utanför monki var allt för lockande. Men när jag kom dit satt det redan en kille där. Vad kan han ha varit..? 25 kanske.. Inte mer än det.
Men jag bestämde mej för att sätta mej där ändå. Han jobbade för telenor, så om jag inte dragit fram min iPhone hade han förmodligen försökt sälja ett abonnemang eller mobil till mej.
Jag är inte den personen som gärna pratar med andra människor. Jag är tillbakadragen och väldigt osocial, och det är inte lätt att få kontakt med mej. Den här killen var motsatsen. Det kanske man måste vara om man har ett sånt jobb som att försöka packa på folk erbjudanden. Han var frammåt och öppen, och började prata med mej. Då har man ju inte så mycket annat val än att svara, även om jag just då kände att jag bara ville trycka in högtalarna i öronen och försvinna till den underbara musikens värld. Jag fick anstränga mej för att komma på saker att säga tillbaka. Jag är inte van vid sånt.
Vi pratade mycket om teknik och fördelar och nackdelar med appleprodukter. Jag sa att jag inte gillade Macdatorer, men att jag gillade sånt som min iPod och min iPhone. Eftersom han hade lite annorlunda åsikter och var insatt i det så hade han mycket att prata om, och jag gav mina åsikter och tankar på det jag visste och kunde. Det var ritkigt trevligt faktiskt.
Han frågade också vad jag gick i för skola och hur det var och sånt. Då kom vi in på just det här med för mycket skolk och att inte göra läxorna. Han berättade att när han gick i skolan var han den stökigaste. Den som alltid ställde till med problem och den som alltid fick sitta i möten för att han förstörde för både sig själv och andra. Och han ångrade det. Han ångrade att han inte tagit vara på tiden. Han berättade också att när han gick i trean så kom han att inse en sak. Det fanns ingen mening med att vara i skolan alls om man faktiskt inte pluggade. Och det stämmer ju. Han sa att han började plugga på lektionerna och han satt kvar i skolan efter att de slutat och kämpade på ordentligt. Han höjde sina betyg i nästan alla ämnen. Och när han berättade det.. Jag blev faktiskt imponerad.. Både av att han berättar sånt för en total främling, och för att hans ord gick rakt in. Jag har tänkt på det jätteofta sen dess och han gjorde verkligen intryck på mej. Just dom där orden "Det finns ingen mening med att vara där om man inte tar vara på tiden och pluggar." Dom orden satte sig fast i mitt huvud.
Det är tack vare honom jag började göra endel läxor och tack vare honom jag kom i tid till skolan i fredags. Det känns som att jag är skyldig honom något för vad han fick mej att inse... Men eftersom jag inte vet vem han är eller ens vad han hette kommer jag aldrig kunna göra något annat än att bara vara tacksam för att jag fick chansen att prata med honom. (:

Göteborg~

Hello again~
I have been to lazy to write anything lately.. (as usual). But actuallo something happened in my totally boring and lazy life. I went to göteborg with Natta and Lina. Now I have experienced the life of a finland-family-thingy called SAUNA! And we did it the right way! Some shower, some sauna, some shower, some sauna, some smoke pause, some sauna and so on. It was really nice, and Natta said it's good for the skin. HA HA I could need that!
That was only the first night. We spent 5 days there. Arrived saturday and went hone thursday~ Sunday was a complete chill day. We did nothing but taking walks or watching tv. Monday! Yay! We went downtown to meet with some friends of mine! Kassie and Louise :3 Relly cute girls. Taller than me and MUCH lighter voices. . . That was scary XD But we had an awesome time! We also had sushi (wich made Natta and I feel a bit ill later). Tuesday was also a day in town and on wednesday Lina and I left early to catch our train home. Natta stayed at her dad's place. During theese days I bought one rly nice skirt at SHOCK and volume 1 to 5 of Kuroshitsuji. I found a pair of shoes in which i fell in love with. Unfortunately I could not affod them ;_; *suicidal*
Right now I feel a bit screwed. I got sick just before the break and I have some really important stuff in my locker. That totally sucks for me. Now it's pretty sure I will fail that course. ;_;
And to make a great ending to this post I just need to tell everyone who happens to read this. I cleaned my room! The floor is visible and I even used the vacuum cleaner. I feel alone without my dustfriends under the bed... (:
Kazumi

Sick + An Cafe = Nyappy anyway!

I don't really know why I have a blog.. My life isn't very interesting anyways.. And I do not know why I still write here every now and then. Seems like it takes longer between every post. ._.
Much have happened since last. I don't even remember everything. But to start somewhere: I am sick. I have a nasty cold and it really seems to like me since it doesn't leave me alone! I get crazy when being cut off from society like this! And I'm going to Göteborg in two days. Lina and Natta (who are going with me) will get tired of me in no time! Just because I've been absolutely alone those days. Friday tomorrow (Huhu I feel like Rebecca Black when writing that! T_T) and I will stay home again.. Let's hope I get a little better at least. I don't wanna spend 3 hours on a train sneezing and almost choking! ;_; I think this was my seventh cup of tea... Everything to get better until saturday! ^_^
What else.. Hmm.. I just spent 3 hours in front of the TV watching an An Cafe live dvd. Nothing can possibly put me in a better mood! Just watching the way Kanon plays manes my heart go crazy! And my whole body trembles from happiness. I wish I could become as good as him! I guess I started about 6 years too late for that. But at least I'm gonna take classes now. Mum can finally afford it and after an argument with her I convinced her that the only fair thing is for her to pay. She paid much more than that for my sibblings' activities. I'm lucky :') Today I really got inspired! I want to learn! I should start looking for band members right away so that I can become even better! Right now I'm so happy I cant stop imagining me standing on a stage with Miyako in my hands, playing with her like crazy! And Lina on a VIP seat. Nothing could ever compare to that. Oh such thoughts make me nothing but happy. It's just sad I can not really play... ;_; xD I'll have to do something about that tiny obstracle! *angelface* what about starting with studying some music theory? I want to be able to look back and think "Why did I hesitate? I made it! That means everyone can fullfill their dreams, because such a nobody as me could."
私はべんきょうします!がんばって!私の夢はゆうめいなバンドでベースを弾くことです!

Helsingborg

Huaa! So much have happened since last I posted something. I haven't even bothered to write anything until now ._.
I went to Helsingborg to met a friend during the break and I took a lot of pictures of boring stuff (^_^)'' I met with Freja and her horribly scary dog! It's a bog one! And that's no good when I'm this afraid of dogs ._. But! Luckily that bloody monster did not eat me. Let's hope Miizuki's dog wont either. ._.
Anyways, my luck did not stay for long. When we were going to our favorite shop it was closed for two weeks! I guess the owners went to asia. It is an asian shop :'3 with many cute and beautiful chop sticks and loads of asian food. And the candy... omg. I love it! So that was a bit sad ;_; But we bought some other stuff to chew on instead while playing Zelda OoT. Like... Avocado..
We also went around downtown, and every time I go there I get facinated by the amazing buildings and such. The architecture is awesome! Such a beautiful place! I took many pictures of buildings too! It's so fun :'3 When we got tired of walking we went to Espresso House to have a Mocca latte. They're sooooo delicious! <3 I love them!
I also found a nice hair color... I'll probably try that one next time.
Following are some random pics~ :'3



The church ~V~


A present I got from freja <3 ~V~ The best present ever :') I'll watch this every time I need some motivation! Kanon happens to be that source. Nyappy (^_^)

Pulululu!

I had some fun :'3 And I realized... If I want things my way, I have to do it myself.

Out of tea?

To make a nice introducktion here... I just realized that O is really ugly in the beginning of a sentence ._.
Now to the main problem here. I am out of tea! I mean seriously, how am I supposed to survive? I only have some random yogi like tea, but it doesn't even taste good! (;_;)b  My strawberry tea is gone ;__; I just had a shelf FULL of different teas, but only the real Yogi and wannabe Yogi are left ;_; Where did all my money run?!
Oh yeah... I bought a petticoat and some beauty products ._. I really needed a petticoat. I have been dressing in gothic lolita since november -09 without one! Hello?? Thats like sooo not okay!! *blonde bimbo voice*
Now I finally have one that gives almost too much volume xD But the bad thing was: It't only suited the victorian dress I have. The more.. classic? styled dresses didn't get the right shape.. I need a more A-shaped one too.
Down is a pic of the beauty stuff I bought. shower gel, face cleansing and body scrub, and the really small thing is a perfume I got for free~ I also ordered a silver nail polish, but i didn't get it ._o Anyways, I hope the products are good ones. They contain only natural things and so on. The perfume smelled really good, but maybe a bit too woman like for me? I prefere using the sweeter ones like Avril Lavigne's "Black Star"... that one is really nice.. But I'm thinking of maybe using this womanish this easter, if i decide to go to göteborg to see Miizuki. Hopefully she'll like that. who knows.. Or maybe I should bring both? Such a dilemma... Does she prefere the sweeter scent or the mature?. Well, maybe I shouldn't worry about that just yet. I'm not even sure I'll go. I'm kind of ... nervous about seeing her again after all that happened.
(Don't mind the purple area. The wall is too ugly to show!)

A Date with Nathalie~

So, we had no school this tuesday so Natta and I decided to have a little date :'3 First we went to Moshi Moshi to have som Sushi, but unfortunately the Sushi man didn't work ;___; Buhu we haven't seen him since new yers ;_; Well anyways, for some reason they made the sushi different this time.. I don't really like the wasabi that much so I usually leave it.. BUT! They also put wasabi over the rice! so I had to remove the fish things to get rid of the wasabi XO And a stupid man (Who I came to dislike a lot!) used my favorite matching pair of chop sticks! Seriously, there was not a single matching couple left, so I had to use one really long and one really short (=_=)b
After the sushi we went to GAME cuz Natta was going to buy two new games får PS2, and guess what!?! I found leisure suit Larry! (spelling?) XD I really want that game! So aweosome! But I can't buy it ;_; I have younger sisters, and that game is not really suitable for them... xD When we were done there wi simply got bored ._. xD So we decided to grab a "fika" (Yay swedish words!) and we ended upp at Skåre's! There we had a really good kake! It was really big too! MMmmhmmhmmh Yummy!

Also I asked Natta to look as feminine as she could. It ended upp like this.

No good! She looks as much like a man as ever! So let's make another try! This was a bit more successful! I think she has never looked this feminine since she cut her hair off XD But to be hones she didn't look too feminine before~ She's my man <3

There was also a little incident. A cute tulip decorated our table.. And Im not really good with flowers ;___; I tried to make it "look at" Natta, but all the leaves just fell off! (O_O)'' But we were good and tried to repare it! :'D Cuz I'm actually a good little lolita <3

Rubik's Cube (^_^)b

Hello again :'D
Yesterday I bought a "Rubik's Cube. It's really a nice time waster :3 And I managed to solve the two first layers on my own! With some help from Nathalie I can now solve it easily. And it's fun making patterns! XD Though I feel a bit nerdy when solving it fast and in public... xD Maha... I should practise on my beloved bass instead ;____; Guhuhu anyone wants to buy new strings for me? (A) I'll probably waste most of my money on bleaching products xD  . . . That might be fun... more or less... XD

Alice~

Wohoo! Today I have a good reason to be happy! Me and some friends went to a cafe and after a while Gaia came with a friend I had not met before. She had been interested in japan and stuff like lolita fashion, and she was really nice! Haha so typical me, I talked non stop xD I seriously need to learn how to keep quiet! XD
She said she had some loli stuff I could have, and who would say no to that? Kazumi loves goth loli, and she accepts any gifts <3 Mohaha
Also, I have got some Shimejis, and they are sooooo cute! xD Two types of Sebastian Michaelis, One super cute Neko boy, Link from Zelda and Grell xD thoug grell is not very well made.. Too sad, cuz he does a lot of cute things x)
Maha Now I'll drink some cola and... Enjoy my computer buddies <3 Thihi they are just like rabbits! leave them for ten minutes and the whole screen is full of them xD Just like a virus, but way cuter and eraseable xD <3

Hisashiburi~ Long time no see ._.

I'll explain my absence in two words. No Internet. My New computer still hasn't come, and I've waited for two weeks. I'm getting stressed since I cannot do any of my homework and such xO I just called Onoff and asked about it, and they said it was there, waiting for me. But hello?! They said that they would call! Fuckheads! (_ _)b
Anyways, After New Years I've spent a lot of money on new clothes. The latest thing was a really nice corset. Combining it to my F+F blouse looks awesome! But I have to appologize for wearing jeans on the picture! My best matching skirt is at dad's place 50 km away from home xD execuse me (^_^)

New years~ Akemashite omedetou!

So this will be my first article this year.. 2011 ne?.. Sounds weird. But I have hope! 2010 has been a horrible year in the vk world! Talented people died, a huge amount of bands disbanded and not too many new started activities. This year can't be worse, ne? It has to be better! I will believe so.
Anyways! I had a great new years eve/night what ever! XD If things hadnä't gone wrong two months ago I would have spent it in Göteborg, but now I stayed in Växjö instead :'3 I guess that was only good. The party was great! Everyone got a bit too drunk, but seriously. New Years only occur once a year! So it's okay, I guess xD
Anyways, a fucking idiot stole my wine! Lyckily I have generous friends who gave me loads to drink! Thank you guys! :*
And another IDIOT! A REAL FUCKING COMPLETE IDIOT! Stole Nathalies backpack! She had her wallet, her phone, her keys, her NEW Nintendo DS with games like pokémon soul silver! I want to kill that idiot! How the hell can one do like that! It's crazy! Jag vill döda den jävla idioten! Man gör fan inte så mot mina vänner och.. Naeh man gör bara inte så!
After all the drama we went to sleep. Lina, Marcus and I shared one bed while paula slept on the floor. Nathalie got a room for her own.. Anyways, I didn't feel very well. And when we all woke up about three hours later I couldn't stop shaking. That was actually kind of scary. And I could hardly walk xD embarrassing.. xO 
And guess what! A stupid idiot (I don't know who she is) broke my one shoe! The whole zipper is broken now (;_;) And living in sweden with no winter shoes is like suicide! (=A=)b But I survived to McDonald's and thanx to Marcus I could have some fries <3 I love fast food xD The day after a party is not something I wanna experience more often XD But.. Over all. The party was great! :D
AKEMASHITE OMEDETOU GOZAIMASU!
//Yuko

Shopping = Happiness!!

I'm just sooooo happy right now! I don't even know where to start! Only good things have happened this christmas and right now I couldn't get happier!
First of all! I got so much money this christmas! Much more than usual! All together it reached 2300kr! (Divide by 10 to get it in € to make it more understandable~) And I already had 7300kr to buy a computer! So now I've done that! That's like AWESOME!
And THEN I happened to stumble over a BABY THE STARS SHINE BRIGHT dress for only 800kr! They usually cost between 1500 even up to 8000!!! One of my biggest dreams is to have a BTSSB dress, and here I have a beautiful and cheap one! He who sold it to me only wore it three times so it's like brand new. He bought it for 3500!!!
And also, Ill buy a blouse from FanplusFriend. It has the cutest cape ever! Seond hand is really good :'D I'll get it for only 250kr :') Ureshii!!!
Also I consider buying a pair of winter shoes. The white ones. But the shipping will be pretty expensive.. 600 plus shipping will be 750.. And that's pretty much for a pair of shoes ;_;
Well, I have the pictures here, so tell me what u think. Buy the shoes or not? Is the BTSSB cute? what about the blouse? Oho I'm confused ;_;


xmas

So... I guess christmas is over for this year.. I got... tre boxes of chocolate.. I guess people want me to have bad skin xD But who cares.. XD I dont really have anyone to look good for, since holiday forces me to spend my days alone 50 kilometers from civilization xD
Anyways. My christmas eve was spent in Ronneby at grandad's place together with mum's family. But unfortunately one of y aunt's husband got sick so they couldn't join our celabrations :/ But we managed to have fun anyways, starting with watching a classic Winnie the Poh movie from when I was a child. I love it, and I asked Grandad to make a copy for me xD

So this is where all cousins except Emelia, who was sleeping, watched the movie. It was soooo nostalgic and I suddenly felt very happy. And I'm usually not... So I'm happy I decided to go there with everyone else.
After that it was time for food. And I am proud to say I still remember how to fold those small boxes 8D
We had loads of food, but nothing really suits my taste, exept for that pink slimey salamon thing XD But I had to eat shit like meat balls and such.. But the the beer was good! :D My brother came home from afghanistan just two days before, and he gave me one of his :'3 Heiniken or however it's spelled x) really tasty :'3


Of course we didn't miss the greatest event of the year! Santa came! Or at least that's what my two youngest cousins believed :'3 Kim and Emelina. Kim is a few years old and Emelina is like.. Maybe two or soon to be three or something XD She's so cute, and I almost lost some of my dislikes towars children when seeing her xD And she was afraid of Santa xD Even though it was just gandad x) So cute! But it's like impossible to take a pic of her XD She is NEVER still! XD But I actually managed to get one :') But I'm not gonna upload it here x)
 


Above is a picture of one of my sisters. She's trying to look like santa.. I think xD Yes, I too hate her glasses.. But she's a spoiled brat and likes that totally ugly style xD ohoho I'm so mean to her :'3
I was good enough to take a pic of myself and I got the best compliment for my clothes I could ever get! My uncle's girlfriend told me I looked like a porcelain doll! And thats like the whole concept behind goth loli fashin xD Or a big part of it at least :'3 So now I feel like I have actually managed to look the way I want 8D Almost x)

Here are my christmas presents XD I gave the big box to my sister... The chocolate really tastes like shit, and grandad gives them to us every year xD
Well I guess that was my christmas.. Hopefully I'll get some more stuff at dad's place later on ~
//Yuko
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